Journeys of The Zoo’s I Am Canadian Feature for May is…
While I wasn’t in my 40’s when I had The Kids, I was 37 so I can definitely relate to the physical aches and pains that Tammy experienced. Please take the time to read Tammy’s story and show your support by leaving a comment below about, The Struggles of Becoming a Mother at 41.
As a little girl I dreamed of a life with a prince, becoming a mom and finally living happily ever after, however as I grew I discovered that the fairytale life I dreamed of was just a fantasy on not going to happen for me.
This is my story of how the wrong choices, heartache, loss and learning led to that fantasy becoming a reality and my dreams coming true.
When we are young we start looking to find happiness and fulfill our dreams. In order to start a family, we have to find a suitable man. How at a young age do we know who is right for us and who is not? For me, if my heart felt it, I went with it.
At the age of 24, I met someone and we eventually moved in together. Shortly after that came an unplanned pregnancy. So began the dream of becoming a mom. It turned out to be a very stressful and strange relationship that I stayed in because I was having a baby. About five months into the pregnancy, my worst nightmare happened, my water broke. I knew what was happening, but the reality was not sinking in. We went to the hospital and I spent the next few hours in labour and delivery. I was told that I would be delivering my baby but he would not survive. He took his last breath an hour after he was born. The world around me came crumbling down, I lost my baby, my relationship was over.
My dreams were shattered. But eventually I moved on.
My next relationship lasted for about 10 years, on again, off again. I may have chosen him for certain reasons and that kept me going back. With no luck in having a child with this partner and the way the relationship was going, we called it quits and went our separate ways.
By now I am at the age of 36 and I feel that my life is definitely not going the way my dreams started as a child. It seemed that I would be alone and not become a mom. I began thinking that after the first pregnancy I wasn’t able to become pregnant again after 5 years of trying in the past relationship.
During this part of my life I learned many things about myself and people in general. I began to go with my gut feelings and not my heart so much.
I eventually met and started to date someone that I knew through friends. I had my reservations about this relationship, but what I had saw was someone who had their head on straight, knew what they wanted and went for it. We wanted the same things.
So began the next chapter of my life.
I explained my theories of possibly not being able to have children, with a response something like “Oh, you will get pregnant, it will happen with me”. So after awhile we began to try, with no signs ever of it happening. Like I had said, it wasn’t going to happen. Then one day it did, I was so excited, just to know that it happened and my suspicions were wrong. That dream again was shattered with the loss at an early stage, this happened a few times during the relationship and my dream of becoming a mom was again gone. After two years with this partner, so was the relationship. Although my heart was broken, it was for the best. Again I learned to trust my gut, more than my heart. I finally listened to myself.
At 39, how do you start over? How do you put yourself back out there and find happiness? I had already given up on the hopes of having a baby, so why not give up the dream of spending my life with someone. So that is exactly what I did. I gave up and went on with my life alone.
One day I came home from a night out with friends to find a Facebook message asking me if I was the same Tammy from years ago. I knew by his name I was. We had met 25 or so years ago and dated on and off for a year or so. At that time in my life I was having fun. I was young and had no cares in the world. We had moved on. Over the years I had thought about him now and again, I even tried to find him on Facebook myself.
After getting reacquainted and committing to each other, we decided that at our age (6 years older than me) we would just spend our life together without children. Then one day he changed his mind. He wanted to give me a baby. Within two months, I was late and my mind was racing. Was it just me over thinking and praying that had made me late or was I really pregnant? The home pregnancy test proved that were going to be have a baby! My dreams began again. This was truly a magical time. According to calculations, (she was) conceived on the first anniversary of my dads death.
And so began the start of my happy ending.
It wasn’t an easy pregnancy for me, I was sick a lot. There wasn’t anything that I ate that didn’t upset my stomach. However, I finally made it to 37 weeks and had my own baby shower.
The next morning, when I arrived home from my daily walk, I had visions of the guy who lived below us walking out the door and my water breaking over his head (yes my mind is warped). I went inside sat down on the couch and sure enough, my water broke.
Six hours later, I gave birth naturally to my beautiful angel Madisen. I spent the next few days in the hospital where they monitored my baby for jaundice. On the third day, we were both released however, a few days later, we were back in the ER due to her jaundice getting more serious. It was a rough night. All I wanted was to be at home with my daughter. I spent the night watching, feeding and changing my child. The next day we were released.
I have finally found the reasons behind my poor choices in life.
It has given me the most precious gift of all.
Sometimes the waiting does pay off.
My ever after Fairy tale…
Tammy is a Stay-at-Home Mom to one child, two cats and a dog living in Toronto. She enjoys baking, crafty and bicycling around the city. Soon to start a new business of handmade gifts called Mama Bears Crafty Crate, while helping hubby set up an at home bicycle repair business.
Thank you Tammy from Mama Bear Haven!
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|FROM THE ARCHIVES|
|April 2013||YYZ Bambina|
|March 2013||Ottawa Valley Fiber Arts|
|February 2013||Gone With The Family|
|January 2013||Treasures from the Ark|
|November 2012||Life After My Kids|
|September 2012||Current Works of Glass|