Sunday, May 5, 2013

May 5 is International Bereaved Mother’s Day

Bereaved Mother's Day Logo

Want to join a club that has a life-time membership, no financial fee, does not discriminate and has you rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous?

Sounds too good to be true or something out of Rumpelstilskin?

Pretty close except this is no fairy tale and admission is the life of your child.

On December 11, 2009, I gave birth to three children… at once.

Nine days later, I held my son Alexander for the first and last time.

My life was forever changed.

In an instant, I entered a club along with millions of other Mothers. One that you can never leave…

I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that Alexander is gone and nothing will bring him back.

I haven’t moved on. I haven’t forgotten. I’ll never be over him.

I’ve chosen to live.

I’d love to write more about Alexander but people don’t understand. For some reason, it matters to me that they don’t.

My therapist told me that I can’t educate the world about what it’s like to lose a child. She said to “pick a few people close to you and focus on them”.

I’ve chosen you.

Here are some of the things that I want you to know…

He existed. Lost shortly after conception, born still, nine days of life; they all count. I don’t know why people ask how long Alexander lived. Maybe they think that the shorter the life, the less the pain. I’ve given up wondering. He exists.

He is not really here. Trust me, I know. I do not think that a bear, picture or any of my existing kids replace him. Having said that, he still has dinner with us, dresses up for special occasions and The Kids need to share with him.

Three = Triplets. Maybe people feel awkward calling The Kids “Triplets”, after all, there is only two of them here on Earth. If that’s the case, lose the label all together. Call them by their names. They are not and never will be twins.

Try Your Best. Everyone deals with loss differently. There is nothing that you can say that will make me feel worse than I already do. Nothing. I don’t know what to say any more than you do. Bottom line, I know you mean well.

Sometimes less is more. And with that, I close for today.

As always, I encourage you to ask questions. I love talking about all three of my kids.

If you know someone who has lost a child, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died–you’re not reminding them. They didn’t forget they died. What you’re reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift.

–Elizabeth Edwards

May 5 is International Bereaved Mother’s Day. To find out more about the day and meaning behind it, please read this post by a fellow Baby Loss Mother, Carly Marie who also created the logo above.

You can link up your own Bereaved Mother’s Day post at No Holding Back.

17 thoughts on “May 5 is International Bereaved Mother’s Day

  1. Christy Maurer

    Thank you for choosing to live! I appreciate your posts and what you share so much. I know you can never explain to someone the loss that you feel when you lose a child. I have a co-worker who lost her son to suicide almost 2 years ago. I cannot fathom how she carries on with her life. Hugs to you on international bereaved mother’s day!

  2. Tennille

    I have a co-worker who lost her baby at 36wks preg. and I know that even though it is over 2 years ago the pain is still raw. It is hard to watch and understand from the outside. I was so hard to be pregnant around her because I know how much she hurt inside. Thanks for the post

  3. Jenn

    Just reading the introduction to this inspired me to get up and go hug my children, who are currently alive and well and playing in the living room.

    I am so sorry for your loss of Alexander. I cannot imagine what you must feel, what you and your family go through every day without him with you. I wish you the best… peace, comfort, and hopefully closure.

  4. Darlene Schuller

    THANK YOU, my daughter lost her only child in November to SIDs. He was my first grandbaby, we are all hurting so very badly.. sometimes I wonder how people get through.. there’s little to no help for me.. the grandmother. I feel like I’ve lost 2 .. him and her.

    1. Journeys of The Zoo


      I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Perhaps you would find support in contacting some SIDS groups for Grandparents. I goggled it and there are many out there. If that doesn't work for you, I am here if you want to talk.

      Besos, Sarah
      Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo
      journeysofthezoo at hotmail dot com

  5. Savvy WorkingGal

    I can’t imagine anything worse than losing a child. My husband had a brother who died in an accident. My husband said she his mother was never the same after he died. I did notice how she used to light up when someone mentioned him. I read once that when you don’t know what to say just ask how they are doing. So sorry to hear of your loss.

  6. Cheryl Grandy

    I didn't know there was an International Bereaved Mother's Day. Good idea. I have been blessed with two live, healthy children, so I haven't experienced the type of loss you have had, but I do understand that the loss of Alexander is a real loss to be grieved, and that you will never forget him. Thank you for sharing.

  7. Starr Bryson

    You make valid and heartfelt points. “He existed” I love that. Regardless of how long any of our babies were alive, they were, even if only in a womb, they were . . . they existed. . .

    I love the quote at the end also. People (even 14 years later) seem afraid, hesitant, to talk about my oldest son. . .I don’t want him to be forgotten . . .

    -The Insomniacs Dream

  8. Jenn @Treasuring Lifes Blessings

    Thanks for your comment on my blog, I totally relate to what you shared both there & here.It is sad that people seem to equate the amount of time a person lives to how much grief we should have. 🙁 No one bats an eye if someone talks about their grandma that died but as soon as you mentioned the son you had that died, people run to the hills and avoid you like the plague. Thanks again for sharing!

  9. Kathy at kissing the frog

    Thank you for sharing this with us. It’s a sucky club to be in for sure – this “moms who have lost kids” club. It is really hard for other people to understand, I think especially the pregnancy loss or the baby loss. But what I think people can understand is the loss of the hopes and dreams you had, the loss of the experience on every important day. And the loss his fellow siblings will feel. I’m so glad I found you. I will be back. Happy Mother’s day, Sarah. xo and lots of hugs and prayers.


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