Friday, November 8, 2013

The Day That My Son Died (in my Mind)

Weather Vane

For the past four years, it’s come.

It starts in early October. The exact date isn’t set in stone. My heart just knows when it’s time.

For the first few weeks, it only happens every other day or so. But, as the day approaches, it’s a full on attack. Sometimes several times a day.

How can a thought make my heart skip a beat or just stop altogether?

I thought that it was psychosomatic. I even told myself it was. But that just made me feel crazy. Besides, my therapist told me it was real and I’ve never known her to lie.

Every year, I hope that this will be the last year. That somehow, I will beat the odds and not have to live with this forever.

And every year it comes.

As I write this, my heart is physically aching. Like someone has it clutched in their fist and has pushed it up into my throat. My upper body feels constricted. It’s hard to breathe. Those last few sniffles after a good cry have just escaped. Except I wasn’t crying.

I’m not sentimental. At all. Dates aren’t a big deal to me.

Take December 19, 2009 for example. The day that Alexander died. I think of him throughout the day. I shed some tears. Life goes on. Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot.

So why does November 8th have a hold over me? Because,

Today is the day that Alexander died… in my mind.

November 8, 2009 was the day that Alexander’s water broke. I was 25 weeks, 5 days pregnant with Triplets. For whatever reason, I didn’t go into labour for another 4 weeks, 5 days. A part of me believes that it was Alexander giving his life for his sister and brother.

You can read more about Alexander here and here. Or, feel free to ask questions in the comment section.

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50 thoughts on “The Day That My Son Died (in my Mind)

    1. admin

      Dear Ashley,

      Thank you so much for your thoughts. I feel for all you went through with your son when he was born.

      Besos, Sarah

      Reply
  1. Rene

    Hugs coming your way. I understand now why you answered me the way you did about today. Sorry I missed the date. Right foot, left foot. Besos.

    Reply
    1. admin

      Dear Laurel,

      Thank you so much for your kind words. I too love how you are able to share your feelings. Just so. I enjoy reading your blog and am saddened by parts of your journey.

      Besos, Sarah

      Reply
    1. admin

      Dear Kim,

      You are such a kind soul. I appreciate your love, strength and prayers.

      Besos, Sarah
      Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo

      Reply
  2. Darlene Schuller

    *hugs* my friends… I know the anticipation well, Nov 22nd will be his 1st Angelversary, my heart crumbles periodically, more and more as the date approaches.

    Be gentle on yourself. Alexander wouldn’t want you to be any other way ..

    Reply
  3. Sue

    I think our body is in tune with so much, that it knows and remembers events like this. You are so brave to share. I hope that the sharing helps in some small way.

    Reply
    1. admin

      Dear Shayna,

      Thanks for being there for me. I hope you know how much your support and friendship means to me.

      Besos, Sarah

      Reply
  4. Elizabeth L

    While not really comparable since the outcome wasn’t the same for me, I totally get what you mean. Keira’s actual birth date doesn’t bother me, but the date my water broke does because that was the real start of things. With this pregnancy I was extremely anxious the closer I got to the date my water broke and a giant mess the day of. When I hit the gestation Keira was born at though it was kind of like “whatever”, it just didn’t hold the same significance.

    What I am trying to say I guess, is that I totally get why Nov 8th would hit you so hard. <3
    Elizabeth L recently posted…Chicken Soup for the Soul: Devotional Stories for Wives ReviewMy Profile

    Reply
  5. Jordana (@MamaKujo)

    Sending you so much mommy love and strength for today and for always.

    For his memory, may it never be “the last year”. For you, may it get a little easier to bear as time passes and you can share your memories with his brother and sister. <3

    Reply
  6. Basia Kowalczyk

    I am so very sorry for your loss. But thinking that he gave his life for his siblings is a beautiful sentiment.
    I can’t say I know how you feel but I did have to terminate a pregnancy when I was younger and regret it everyday of my life.
    I want to send you love and hugs and kisses to you and your family and remind you that Alexander is in heaven watching over his family.

    Reply
  7. Shawna

    When you said he was giving his life to his siblings I teared up. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope this yearly anguish can twist it’s way into honouring your son.

    Reply
  8. Kimberly B

    Sending you thoughts, prayers & hugs. I lost my son this month last year and even though the circumstances are different my feelings are very similar to yours. As the day draws closer, things just keep building in my mind. I too am hoping I will not have to live with this forever and these thoughts and feelings will minimize as time goes on. However, in reality I know they will always be with me.

    Reply
    1. admin

      Dear Tiffany,

      I knew that you had ID twins but I didn’t know that you almost lost them to TTTS. That was one of my biggest worries the whole time. So glad that you had a happy ending.

      After making it to 30 weeks, no one (including the doctors) thought that we would lose any of them. And especially not to NEC. Sigh.

      Besos, Sarah

      Reply
  9. Elva Roberts

    I am fairly new to ‘Journeys of the Zoo’ and did not realize that you lost a child. I have not lost a preemie but our precious granddaughter died of SIDS when in her fifth month of life. It was possibly the most terrible week of our life. Twenty years later, I think of her as she was then and the what if of how she would look now. Hugs and Prayers.

    Reply
  10. DARLENE W

    I was wondering how you could write about your sons death and after much thought I realised that is what I do when I am feeling down, I write. I spread word upon page until I no longer feel the numbness. My worries, my fears and my sadness are there on the page in front of me. What I have written is a coping mechanism that gets me through the day.

    Reply
  11. Kristin K

    I’m sure that the two that survived carry with them the soul of their lost sibling! And, I know you will keep it fresh in their minds every year, so they never forget….that once they were three!

    Reply
  12. Krista M

    This is beyond heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you for experiencing this numbing pain. So true how you say “not writing about it hurts”… each time you let those words out, it helps in your healing.

    Reply
  13. kristen visser

    oh my gosh Sarah!
    My heart just tore and the tears just poured. It does make one feel much better to write this out as it helps to heal and at the same time takes much courage to be able to do so. Alexander will always live on through you all. lots of hugs and kisses your families way

    Reply

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