Friday, June 6, 2014

Whether We’re Talking Apples or Kids, I Have Triplets #babyloss

Three Apples

I’ve written a lot of posts that were never intended to be published. This was one of them.

Why?

Because I write as a form of therapy. As a positive release. As a way to educate. I try not to dwell on the past. When life gives me lemons, I try and make lemonade. Or at the very least lemon water.

But this post, this post is full of bitterness. Four and a half years of it. Directed at some of you.*

A part of me doesn’t want you to see this side of me. The part that isn’t always happy. But it’s the truth. Life sucks sometimes.

It’s time to write this post.

For you, for me, for Alexander.

THE KIDS ARE TRIPLETS

I want to post a definition of triplets. Put it in quotes and bold it. Maybe I’ll even write it in CAPS and in a bigger font. Just so that you get it’s full magnitude. But, I wouldn’t do that to you.

I wouldn’t want you to feel guilty.
I wouldn’t want you to think I’m bitter.
I wouldn’t want you to think that you couldn’t add.

But some of you* can’t add and sometimes I am bitter.

THE KIDS ARE NOT TWINS.

Again, I could post a definition of twins and put an exclamation point at the end but you’re smarter than that. You know that twins means two and I carried, birthed and fed with my own breast…

THREE BABIES. TRIPLETS.

I understand if you feel uncomfortable calling them Triplets. Even when Alexander was alive, I never called them that. Instead, I referred to them as The Kids as I still do. Or, when people ask if they’re Twins, I call them my “Two Triplets”.

Whether you’re talking apples or Kids, there were three of them.

THE KIDS ARE TRIPLETS.

* Just to clarify, I’m talking about the proverbial “you”. Not everyone and possibly not YOU.

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31 thoughts on “Whether We’re Talking Apples or Kids, I Have Triplets #babyloss

  1. Rene

    This is something big I have certainly taken away from knowing your story. I don’t call anyone’s kids twins anymore, unless I know that this is what they are. It’s easiest to use other verbiage (are they siblings?) or just avoid it altogether. I love the photo and the reminder. Sometimes we need to let a little bitterness out, or it starts to turn us sour. 🙂

    Reply
    1. Sarah Post author

      Dear Rene,

      That’s one of the reasons why I never posted about it because I didn’t want people like you (but not YOU), to feel bad and I know (from you) that people just don’t think about it. People see two and use the term “Twins”.

      I get it. I just don’t like it.

      Besos, Sarah
      Sarah recently posted…A Balloon For Alexander #babylossMy Profile

      Reply
  2. Peg

    I’m glad that you posted this and got it off of your chest. Hopefully it’s made you feel a little less bitter now that it’s out there! I love the way that you keep Alexander present in your daily family life even though he’s no longer with you physically.

    Reply
  3. Peg

    Thanks Sarah! Sometimes when we write, we do it for ourselves, to feel better. I think you already do a mighty fine job of educating. The release is as important as the lesson!

    Reply
  4. Tammy @Inrdream

    Sarah I cannot imagine the hurt you feel daily. I too love when I read you write about your sweet Triplets. Alexander is carried in your heart and through your words. You have brought attention to my words and I will choose to be more wise when speaking them. Thank you for that! Xo

    Reply
  5. Ali P

    Thank you for sharing! Big hugs to you and your three apples! Alexander will never be forgotten because he will always be in your heart.

    Reply
  6. Kerrie @ Family Food and Travel

    Thinking of you Sarah and sending all my support. I think it is so important that you keep this identification because to your children, your husband and yourself they will ALWAYS be triplets, and should be. The three of them shared your womb and for me as a mother of twins I absolutely understand that strong connection. Your post is a reminder to all of us that we never know a person’s whole story and that we need to be sensitive to the words we choose.
    Kerrie @ Family Food and Travel recently posted…Mexican Chicken Tamales RecipeMy Profile

    Reply
  7. Amy Lovell

    Im sure it hurts everytime you hear the word twins, but at the same time I am glad that you shared your story with us. And as much as you may not like writing it, letting it out is the only way to feel better.

    Reply
  8. Debbie S.

    Your children are beautiful , and their Mom is an amazing woman! It is good to vent ! (I’m guilty myself-yep) People don’t realize what is going on in other peoples lives and sometimes they will not realize what is the wrong thing to say. (I’ve been told this by a good friend of mine-a time or two or lets just say many times)
    This is good education. I surely hope I’m not guilty here. If I am guilty Sarah, with all my heart I didn’t mean you any hurt.
    Sending hugs to you Sarah!

    Reply
  9. Jason

    While I’ve never been in your position I can understand how you feel. People shouldn’t assume as they don’t know anyones situation! You’re braver than you know. I too write as a means of therapy, letters and poems, and 3/4 of what I write is deleted once I get it out. I wish I had the courage like you to put it out there. You’re an awesome person and I think that you help a lot of people with the posts you write 🙂

    Reply
  10. Elaine Buonsante

    I can hardly imagine the pain of your loss. When I was expecting my last child I had weeks of pending miscarriage which took a huge emotional toll on me. I was fortunate to eventually have a healthy child. My heart goes out to you and your family.

    Reply
  11. HEIDI C.

    Having had twins twice, I am quite familiar with the world of multiples and whether you lost one baby in the womb or out, you still had twins, triplets… Nothing can change that.

    Reply
  12. Kayla @ TheEclecticElement

    In my experience with chronic illness, and most recently the loss of my own child, I understand the painful, unfair part of life. The part of life that depresses you and kicks you when you’re down. So it’s OKAY to be sad and angry and bitter. It’s OKAY to let out emotions, in a healthy way of course. The trick is not to dwell in the negative and work to celebrate all THREE of your beautiful kids every single day!
    Kayla @ TheEclecticElement recently posted…Win It Wednesday(6/4)My Profile

    Reply
  13. Brooke

    What a tricky situation. I think its great that you always refer to them as your Two Triplets. I wouldn’t be surprised though if your kids classmates or teachers refer to them as twins. My grandma lost her twin brother at 6 months old. They are still twins!
    Brooke recently posted…Monday Funday Link Party #4My Profile

    Reply
  14. Deanna Barkley

    I pray that getting this off your chest will help you deal with your loss and also educate others.

    Reply
  15. Elizabeth Matthiesen

    I can’t know how you feel but can sympathise with you. It’s not easy to lose a child, especially when people without thinking refer to those left behind as twins when in fact they are triplets.
    I think people are often thoughtless rather than wanting to be hurtful. I remember, and will never forget how at around 4 mths pregnant my baby died inside of me – at the hospital the gynaecologist said “at least you have 3 back at home” He simply didn’t understand that I was crying for this baby!

    Reply
    1. Sarah Post author

      Dear Elizabeth,

      I am so sorry for your loss. If you ever want to talk about it, I am here.

      Having said that, I understand that some people don’t want to remember their loss. Instead, in my situation, they refer to their kids as “twins”. I respect that however, that is not what I want and openly vocalize that.

      I totally agree with you in that 99.9% of people are good. They don’t mean to hurt with their words even when they do.

      This post was for all the people that DO know what they’re saying. I have a bit of sympathy because they’re doing it to make themselves feel better (it hurts for them to think about Alexander’s loss) but what about me and my loss? I see this as one of those times that it isn’t about them. It’s about what The Kids and I need.

      For us, Alexander exists and lives on.

      Besos, Sarah
      Sarah recently posted…Death Should Come with a ManualMy Profile

      Reply

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