For the past four years, it’s come.
It starts in early October. The exact date isn’t set in stone. My heart just knows when it’s time.
For the first few weeks, it only happens every other day or so. But, as the day approaches, it’s a full on attack. Sometimes several times a day.
How can a thought make my heart skip a beat or just stop altogether?
I thought that it was psychosomatic. I even told myself it was. But that just made me feel crazy. Besides, my therapist told me it was real and I’ve never known her to lie.
Every year, I hope that this will be the last year. That somehow, I will beat the odds and not have to live with this forever.
And every year it comes.
As I write this, my heart is physically aching. Like someone has it clutched in their fist and has pushed it up into my throat. My upper body feels constricted. It’s hard to breathe. Those last few sniffles after a good cry have just escaped. Except I wasn’t crying.
I’m not sentimental. At all. Dates aren’t a big deal to me.
Take December 19, 2009 for example. The day that Alexander died. I think of him throughout the day. I shed some tears. Life goes on. Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot.
So why does November 8th have a hold over me? Because,
Today is the day that Alexander died… in my mind.
November 8, 2009 was the day that Alexander’s water broke. I was 25 weeks, 5 days pregnant with Triplets. For whatever reason, I didn’t go into labour for another 4 weeks, 5 days. A part of me believes that it was Alexander giving his life for his sister and brother.
You can read more about Alexander here and here. Or, feel free to ask questions in the comment section.
thinking about you and sending you hugs;
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I feel for all you went through with your son when he was born.
Hugs coming your way. I understand now why you answered me the way you did about today. Sorry I missed the date. Right foot, left foot. Besos.
HUGS to you! You write about this so beautifully.
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Thank you so much for your kind words. I too love how you are able to share your feelings. Just so. I enjoy reading your blog and am saddened by parts of your journey.
Thank you for reading my words. A part of Alexander’s story.
Sending love and strength to get through the day! Prayers as well! I am so sorry that you had to go through this. My heart aches with you.
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You are such a kind soul. I appreciate your love, strength and prayers.
Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo
*hugs* my friends… I know the anticipation well, Nov 22nd will be his 1st Angelversary, my heart crumbles periodically, more and more as the date approaches.
Be gentle on yourself. Alexander wouldn’t want you to be any other way ..
I think our body is in tune with so much, that it knows and remembers events like this. You are so brave to share. I hope that the sharing helps in some small way.
Thank you for your kind words. It does help to share about the loss of my son. Especially when people are so compassionate.
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Thinking of you and sending big hugs your way!! xo
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Thank you so much. I am fortunate to call you a friend.
Sarah, you’re such a strong woman. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes out because it’s your body and mind’s way of continuing to heal and process.
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Thanks for the reminder that it’s okay to just be.
Thank you again for sharing with us Sarah. I know there is not a thing I can do but be here for you so here I am. Love and hugs.
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Thanks for being there for me. I hope you know how much your support and friendship means to me.
I can’t even imagine!! Hugs coming your way! Xx
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While not really comparable since the outcome wasn’t the same for me, I totally get what you mean. Keira’s actual birth date doesn’t bother me, but the date my water broke does because that was the real start of things. With this pregnancy I was extremely anxious the closer I got to the date my water broke and a giant mess the day of. When I hit the gestation Keira was born at though it was kind of like “whatever”, it just didn’t hold the same significance.
What I am trying to say I guess, is that I totally get why Nov 8th would hit you so hard. <3
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Thinking of you and sending you big hugs (((0))))
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((hugs)) Thinking about you and praying for your peace.
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Your strength will get you through this day 🙁
Hugs from Halifax
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Sending you so much mommy love and strength for today and for always.
For his memory, may it never be “the last year”. For you, may it get a little easier to bear as time passes and you can share your memories with his brother and sister. <3
I am so very sorry for your loss. But thinking that he gave his life for his siblings is a beautiful sentiment.
I can’t say I know how you feel but I did have to terminate a pregnancy when I was younger and regret it everyday of my life.
I want to send you love and hugs and kisses to you and your family and remind you that Alexander is in heaven watching over his family.
I’m really sorry Sarah. My thoughts are prayers are with you today especially, but all year long as well. <3
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This is a heartbreaking retelling of what you experienced, I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
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When you said he was giving his life to his siblings I teared up. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope this yearly anguish can twist it’s way into honouring your son.
sending you my warmest hugs and deepest love. From one mother to another,
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Sending you thoughts, prayers & hugs. I lost my son this month last year and even though the circumstances are different my feelings are very similar to yours. As the day draws closer, things just keep building in my mind. I too am hoping I will not have to live with this forever and these thoughts and feelings will minimize as time goes on. However, in reality I know they will always be with me.
I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your son. I wish there was something I could say to bring him back.
Know that I am here to share, listen and cry with if you ever need the support.
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Oh Sarah… there really are no words to comfort you. But know that I am thinking of you and sending strength and love from my part of the world to yours. xoxo
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such a delicate subject and you tell it so well
So sorry for your loss. I hope you find the strength to get through the day. Super big (virtual) hugs.
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You just know and he knows that you know. My heart hurts for you. After having id twins that we almost lost from TTTS I have realized how easy it would have been.
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I knew that you had ID twins but I didn’t know that you almost lost them to TTTS. That was one of my biggest worries the whole time. So glad that you had a happy ending.
After making it to 30 weeks, no one (including the doctors) thought that we would lose any of them. And especially not to NEC. Sigh.
My heart is with you.
Hugs to you! You wrote this with such grace and beautifully!
Such a compliment. Thank you. Sometimes the words never seem sufficient.
What a rough memory! Lots of hugs of support!
thank you for sharing
I am fairly new to ‘Journeys of the Zoo’ and did not realize that you lost a child. I have not lost a preemie but our precious granddaughter died of SIDS when in her fifth month of life. It was possibly the most terrible week of our life. Twenty years later, I think of her as she was then and the what if of how she would look now. Hugs and Prayers.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your granddaughter. She will always be remembered.
Your words are always so soothing and obviously come from a place of love. Thank you for sharing your compassion with me.
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I was wondering how you could write about your sons death and after much thought I realised that is what I do when I am feeling down, I write. I spread word upon page until I no longer feel the numbness. My worries, my fears and my sadness are there on the page in front of me. What I have written is a coping mechanism that gets me through the day.
Writing about it hurts. Not writing about it hurts. I deal with each day and emotion as it comes.
Thanks for all your support.
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I’m sure that the two that survived carry with them the soul of their lost sibling! And, I know you will keep it fresh in their minds every year, so they never forget….that once they were three!
Such kind words and so right. We talk about Alexander every.single.day so they will never forget.
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This is beyond heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you for experiencing this numbing pain. So true how you say “not writing about it hurts”… each time you let those words out, it helps in your healing.
Thanks for your kind words. Sucks when you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t but life just isn’t fair sometimes…
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oh my gosh Sarah!
My heart just tore and the tears just poured. It does make one feel much better to write this out as it helps to heal and at the same time takes much courage to be able to do so. Alexander will always live on through you all. lots of hugs and kisses your families way